Saturday night,
I just found out her name is Merel.

Because she got introduced
After she played the loveliest violin solo.

[play: merel_got_introduced.mp3]
[loop: clapping_people.mp3]

And I’m recording sounds from this show so I can use them in my song about her.
And then the drums will kick in and there will be noise from the audience on there.

[play: drums_from_hallomaandag.mp3]

I’m standing next
To a man who’s looking at me.

I think he’s bothered
by me using my phone right now at the Spinvis
concert at Carré in Amsterdam.

I dim my screen but I’ll continue to write. Because there’s something over which I obsess.
This time it’s not myself, or whether I’m getting a cold sore, it is the violinist in her red dress.

I try to look
back at the guy like a real alpha male. >:(

But it’s hard making eye contact after binge-watching female domination porn for 7 days. (maybe don't put this in the song?)

But I don’t care as there is finally something outside of myself I feel strongly about.
I picture scenes in which I take the bullets, get her some snacks and walk back to the couch.

[play: merel_violin_solo_loop.mp3]

[play: erik_is_geniaal.mp3]

A father and son
Stood next to me and the father was clearly a big fan.

But they left their good spot because the boy needed to go to the bathroom and they left hand in hand.

My loneliness is not a result of me being alone it’s those people side by side.
How can I not turn to narcissism if no one else wants to be in my life?

A message popped up.
From my mother “have you forgotten your grandmas birthday?”
I swiped it away, Jesus Christ, don’t they know that I’m writing my genius love songs right now?

I long for such a selfless love I see around me and I see on the tv.
But every time I try to write love songs they end up being only about me.
(Me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me)

How can I ever be able to love someone as much as I hate myself?
I would love something to shift the focus on to someone else.
But then why do I keep forgetting to call my grandma who’s in my life?
While I keep falling in love with beautiful violinists who won’t ever be my wife.

I just got back home, it’s 2.30 am.
And I read the things above, that I wrote while I was at the show

A little too dramatic for my taste, but I will sing them anyway when I’ll record this song.

"There’s a lot of narcissism in self-hatred", said David Foster Wallace. And oh how I agree. I mean look at me.

I don’t recall a single moment in my life when I wasn’t comparing myself to the person in front of me or next to me.

And I don’t recall a single moment in my life when I was fully loving someone else because I was too busy envying their easiness in life

or their hairdo, or their job or the looks they got from girls, or the way they looked in pictures or the way they didn’t have face herpes.

Merel, I didn’t mean for this song to get so dark, sorry, but I think it’s important to say:

That we’re all disgusting creatures, but let’s take our lesser qualities and our fears and our secrets, shout them out loud and then just dance to it. (and let's just dance to it)

I FEAR GROUPIES WILL CHOOSE MY BANDMATES OVER ME

I LIKE TALKING ABOUT MYSELF A LITTLE TOO MUCH

SOMETIMES I HATE MY BANDMATES FOR BEING SO GOOD LOOKING

I HAVE AN IRRATIONAL ANGER TOWARDS MY MOM FOR MAKING ME

I CARE TOO MUCH ABOUT LOOKS

SOMETIMES I FEAR BREAKING UP WITH MARISKA WAS A MISTAKE

I FEAR MARISKA AND KATHERINE WERE THE ONLY COOL GIRLS WHO COULD EVER LIKE ME

I HATE GETTING OLDER

I FEAR TURNING OUT LIKE MY PARENTS

I THINK I’M 5% GAY

I FEAR I WILL KILL MYSELF SOMEDAY

I HAVE SENT A DICK PIC TO A GIRL WHO ASKED FOR IT

I FANTASIZE ABOUT KILLING MYSELF TO HURT THE PEOPLE I LOVE

I WANT TO FUCK AN UNINTELLIGENT GIRL

I FEAR PEOPLE THINK I’M A JOKE

I FEAR I’M A DISAPPOINTMENT TO MY SISTER

I HATED ALL THE PEOPLE AT THE SCHOOL REUNION

I WOULD TRADE PLACES WITH TAYLOR SWIFT

I THINK I’M BETTER THAN MOST DUTCH INDIE ARTISTS

I FEAR THAT MY FACEBOOK POSTS WON’T GET ANY LIKES

I FEAR THIS SONG WILL ONLY SURVIVE BECAUSE OF SHOCK VALUE

I FEAR MOON MOON MOON WILL FAIL COMMERCIALLY AND ARTISTICALLY

I CARE ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF MY MUSIC

I FEAR I WANT I WANT IS THE ONLY GOOD ALBUM I’VE EVER MADE

I FEAR MY FOREHEAD IS TOO BIG

I FEAR SPINVIS WILL SUE ME FOR USING RECORDINGS FROM HIS SHOW

I ALWAYS TURN MY HEAD SO ONLY THE LEFT SIDE OF MY FACE IS ON THE PICTURE

I FEAR THIS FADE OUT WILL SEEM LAZY EVEN THOUGH I KNOW IT’S THE WAY TO GO FOR THIS SONG