If you're hearing this, it means that I am dead.
At least in a hundred years if this song still exists by then.

This tune was inspired by a mantra song about some old monkey king.
Our drummer Jari played it for me when he came back from three months in Spain.
Where he lived with other people and a guru and he worked in the burning sun on the land
He learned to meditate he came back more peaceful and more tanned

Anyway last night I was at the Belle and Sebastian show in TivoliVredenburg
And I went with my friend Rens but I lost him when I ran up to the front
I was three feet away from Stuart Murdoch when he started singing Act of the Apostle I
And I was half dancing and I was half gone.

And for more than a good 10 years, I've been falling asleep with every single thing Stuart Murdoch sings and writes.
The VHS of the Black Sessions of 1998 is my dearest possession
and I watch it late at night.
And every single rainy Sunday I sit on the windowsill and read his printed diary.

And my friends went to a Harry Potter school live action role playing game.
And the sister of the girlfriend of my friend went backpacking in Thailand.
One evening in her room when she told us about it I said something clever about the irony of finding yourself in another country while unknowingly wanting to come back as someone else, but I was just jealous.

Anyway, they started playing the song the Boy with the Arab Strap.
Two girls got invited on stage to swing their hips and dance.
And suddenly from all over the place, people ran to the front to get on stage and everyone was allowed to do so. And I froze.

And after every death in the family, in the car back home I put on the cd If You're Feeling Sinister.
And after every single first kiss, I put on my Belle and Sebastian playlist. Walking home in the dark.
Mouthing all the words from "The Stars of Track and Field" to "Judy's Dream of horses"

There was nothing more I wanted than to take a step forward and climb up and dance on that stage.
My whole life was building up to this but in the audience, I stayed.
Heavier and sweatier I felt, thinking: "start walking and stop clapping".
And then the terrible realization that it was not gonna happen.

And the song went on, there were a hundred people packed on stage with beating hearts.
And I had to watch them dance on an upbeat song while my life was falling apart.
Soullessly clapping along and pathetically making myself believe that one day we'll play here too and that I will be the one to dance when we do. Even though we’ve got like no Spotify listeners at all.

And it felt like sitting on the train and not talking to the girl in front of me.
And it felt like not applying to the theater school I wish I'd be in.
And it felt like not raising my hand in class those 20 years even though I knew the answer.
It was B most of the time.

My ex-girlfriend Mariska sent me a message, I said: "I'm at Belle and Sebastian".
It made her think of our time.

We listened to it on vacation to France in the car passing gas stations
I wouldn't want her to see me now.

They started with their encore songs and all the dancing people finally then had to get off.
And after Judy's Dream of Horses, the band left the stage and then the show was over.

Not climbing on stage at the Belle and Sebastian show will haunt my days forever.
While everyone was walking out, I stood there watching the empty stage for a couple of minutes

And then a sick pleasure came from knowing I'd be writing this later back at home.
I don't have to do anything fun, I will write about not doing it in a song.